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What Your TurboTax Online Filing Is Really Telling You
By
Christopher Robbins
Published Apr 15, 2013
Modified Apr 15, 2013
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By
Christopher Robbins
Published Apr 15, 2013
Modified Apr 15, 2013
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Thanks for using TurboTax Online! We'll help you accurately file your federal and state taxes in a few minutes.
Good news! We have your current W-2 on file. Upgrade to PremiumSecure for $59.99 and we'll import the information to your returns.
Fine, suit yourself—wouldn't want to take any time away from your job entering data to enter more data.
Are you single or married? (These are the only things that matter.)
Box 1 of your W-2 is a centimeter wide and contains a number that represents your limitations, successes, failures, how big your house is, how well you sleep, and ultimately what your fragile, gasping organs spend most of their time dedicated to serving.
When you've located Box 1, then type the number into this other centimeter-wide box.
Enter the number of people who can claim you as a dependent (if "HBO GO," enter "3").
Enter the number of times in 2012 you told the barista you didn't need room for milk and then added milk anyway.
As of December 31, 2012, were you a resident of New York City, and were you still using that beach towel as a curtain for your bedroom?
Did you convert a 401K to a Roth IRA this year? Do you know what these numbers and letters mean?
So when you die you're just going to have someone wrap your bones in newspaper and drop them off near the pelican sanctuary? Did you give them gas money?
Enter the number of witty restaurant sandwich boards you Instagrammed in 2012.
Sure you don't want to upgrade? Most TurboTax users find that PremiumSecure has many of the same features as BasicFile, but when they upgrade to PremiumSecure we stop harassing them about it.
Enter the amount of money you spent on ATM fees in 2012, then reflect on the fact that you'll never see this money, ever again. It is gone.
Did you earn any additional income outside of the submitted W-2?
You really hung out with those toddlers in that townhouse every other Saturday night for fun?
While we save and process this information, take a look at this women wearing a sharp blazer with her arms crossed. Doesn't she look competent?
(Shutterstock / kurhan)
Now let's try and find some deductions to help you get the biggest possible refund.
Was any of your 2012 income earned at a lemonade stand in the Ozarks?
In 2012, were you in a love triangle?
In 2012, did you befriend an ancient wealthy dowager whose genuinely illuminating nickname for you become the very reason you lost the portion of her estate she left in the will because of her insistence that she not know your legal name?
In 2012, approximately how many times did you reference to friends and acquaintances the Philip Glass show you saw in 2011? (This deduction may only be used once.)
Secret rhinoplasty?
In 2012, did you chew a piece of biscotti and suddenly remember how it felt to remove your shin guards after middle school soccer practice?
If you have any travel, meals, or home office expenses, enter them here.
Did you know that Zero Dark Thirty was originally about an IRS investigation into a man's phony "home office?"
While we take a disconcertingly long time to add these numbers and tabulate your refund, perhaps you should consider upgrading to our MuscleCloak service.
For $199, MuscleCloak provides audit support (one of those old timey leather straps for you to bite down on in the event of an audit) and an answering machine message recorded by Liam Neeson after we wake him up in the middle of the night and remind him of his contractual obligations.
Good news! Your refund exactly matches the amount your TurboTax e-file will cost!
Tagged
liam neeson needs a better agent
life without meaning
numbers
tax day
taxation
taxes
trubotax
original
Christopher Robbins
Christopher Robbins is a New York City reporter covering transportation, affordable housing, local politics, and criminal justice. His work has also appeared in New York Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times. Chris is a graduate of Patrick Henry High School in Roanoke, Virginia, and enjoys biking to Fort Tilden in the summertime.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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