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How To Scrub Ghosts Out Of Your Apartment, And Other Tips

Lauren Evans

Published Oct 30, 2015

Modified Oct 30, 2015

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Lauren Evans

Published Oct 30, 2015

Modified Oct 30, 2015

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Last January, I moved into an apartment that was built in 1901. It's not a stately brownstone, but a grumpy-looking, freestanding brick thing wedged between a condemned building and a tow lot, across the street from a garbage truck storage facility. On several occasions, I've guided cab drivers to the front of my building, only to have them twist around and look at me with concern: "Here?"

I love the apartment for its pressed tin ceilings, decorative moldings, and the strange, turreted skylight in the bathroom, the one that snow occasionally filters through in the winter. I love less the fact that I believe it to be haunted as shit.

Through research, I happen to know that a total of three children died under my roof, all under the age of two, and all within a couple years of each other. Natural causes or vicious infanticide? You decide don't tell me.

My house may or may not be haunted, but yours almost definitely is! Here's how to handle all the paranormal activities going down while you're asleep.

Ignorance is bliss

Is your apartment old? Do you have loud neighbors? Loud pets? It's probably just one of those things, somehow! When explaining away ghosts, it's best to employ your least analytical mind, because the trouble with rationalization is that at some point, you run out of rationalizations. Watch the coffee cup move on its own across the room, and say to yourself, in a loud, firm voice, "It's the neighbors." The unshakeable feeling that something is watching you? That is the wind. The sound of heavy footfall across the floor is just your cat, who decided to put on shoes today! EVERYTHING HAS AN EXPLANATION.

Talk to the spirits

Tell them about your day. Tell them what your coworkers had for lunch, and what you hope to have for lunch tomorrow. Tell them about your parent's divorce, or your colon, or drone on about your poor circulation or how self-conscious you feel about your unanswered Tinder messages. Ghosts were once people, and people hate hearing about that shit, even in the afterlife. The apparitions will slowly taper off as they start avoiding you, looking for reasons to rattle the doorknobs of your neighbors instead. One day, you'll wake up to realize they've vanished, just like the rest of your friends and family. At least you'll have a good story for Tinder! If anyone ever responds to your messages.

Visit a therapist, you crackpot

The trouble with ghosts isn't the ghosts, it's you. Wikihow has a very sincere and thorough writeup of how to rid your home of the undead, and one of its more patronizing entries suggests that you need to get your head checked, because the number one symptom of insanity is looking up "getting rid of ghosts" on Wikihow. "Often people who see 'ghosts' are primed to do so because of their mental health," it advises. "Before you start doing odd things to your home, seek out some professional help. This doesn't mean that you don't have a ghost, it is simply a way to rule out one outside possibility."

Tell me, which is crazier: Practicing a few harmless DIY anti-ghost measures or paying $100 to earnestly ask a living human to advise you how to handle your ghost infestation? The only thing you'll truly be haunted by is your financial state after getting talked into a lifetime of intensive bi-weekly therapy.

Drive the ghost out to the country and set it free

The day may come when you realize that there is just not room in your apartment for a ghost right now. This is unfortunate, but life is life until it's not anymore, and when that day comes, you'd better hope the mortals you haunt have more foresight than you.

You can try giving the ghost up for adoption or searching for a new home on Craigslist, but frankly, most people don't want that ratty old thing. Your best bet is to load it into a car or stick it in a crate for a trip upstate on Metro-North. Sleepy Hollow is widely considered one of the best ghost sanctuaries in the nation, and you can put your conscience at ease knowing that it will probably find community there without much trouble. At least you'd better hope so. Because if it finds its way to you after you've abandoned it, it probably won't be very happy...

And then you'll really have a ghost problem.

Tagged

ghosts

halloween

hauntings

helpful advice

life advice from lauren evans

original

Lauren Evans

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