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Here's The Guy To Beat For The Biggest Subway Jerk Of 2016 Award

Ben Yakas

Published Apr 13, 2016

Modified Apr 6, 2018

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Ben Yakas

Published Apr 13, 2016

Modified Apr 6, 2018

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You'd think that the matter of smoking on the subway would be Subway Etiquette 101 shit—didn't we already cover this Freshman year?—but there are still some nicotine-addicted individuals who need an education. Straphangers were confronted with one such doofus on a Brooklyn-bound F train in lower Manhattan this week, but they collectively rose up and put this fool in his place.

Here's the rundown of the video for those who don't feel like sitting through all eight satisfying minutes:

:00-:17: We pan up to meet our smoker, who is wearing a New Orleans Saints cap and leather jacket. He is just like James Dean, except he is a rebel with a stupid cause. He is also wearing a large cross, even though Jesus forbid sin sticks in John 3:4. We shall call him Saint Butt henceforth.

:18-:32: A commuter gets Saint Butt's attention and asks him to stop, he shakes his head no and takes a long drag. Saint Butt is the patron saint of bullies everywhere.

:33-1:25: Saint Butt keeps shrugging his shoulders as if he has no idea what people find objectionable to his behavior. He also keeps pensively looking around the train car, as if he is expecting a confrontation. Although he will later say he heard on the news that it's okay to smoke on the train, he clearly knows this is bullshit.

1:26-1:30: The video uploader briefly points the camera to his own face. This isn't really that relevant, but I liked the deadpan face he gave.

1:31-2:00: A commuter in a blue shirt attempts to reason with Saint Butt and get him to stop smoking. Saint Butt is unmoved by the man's asthma. "So go in the other fucking car man," he says. His reasoning: cigarette smoke is a better scent than "bum ass people" smell. "It's not my problem, call the cops," he giggles as the man gives up.

2:01-2:35: This might be the most painful part of the video, as Saint Butt just looks so damn pleased with himself, and tries to play everything off like everyone else on the train is crazy except him. "C'mon bro," he says to no one in particular while smiling to himself. He continues to puff away.

2:36-3:05: Saint Butt is confused about where he is supposed to transfer, because in addition to being a selfish jackass, he doesn't even know how to traverse the subway. When he leans over to look at a map, someone gets up in disgust—Saint Butt's face reads, "did I do that?" He starts to talk to the man: "I'm so bad right now, I'm like Michael Jackson."

3:06-4:30: Finally, another good Samaritan comes forward and forcibly takes the cigarette out of Saint Butt's hand and puts it out. It seems like a fight could break out at any moment ("So you wanna fight?" Saint Butt says bluntly at one point), but none does, for Saint Butt believes in tolerance above all, and also, he's a scaredy-cat. "C'mon man, why you getting all upset about it, it's just a cigarette," he says. "It smells like shit in here anyway." The good Samaritan receives a well-deserved round of applause and 'thanks yous' from the entire train car.

4:31-5:52: Saint Butt keeps asking "why you doing that?" Multiple people join the good Samaritan in explaining it to him. "Do you understand man? It's science, it's biology," another straphanger yells at him. "Outside is different because you're not in a confined space where people can't escape the smoke, that's the difference, that's why it's against the law," someone else patiently explains to Saint Butt.

5:52-8:41: For the rest of the video, Saint Butt gets in the face of the good Samaritan who took away his cigarette, saying he disrespected him. Saint Butt puts his arms out and leans his face closer and closer daring the good Samaritan to hit him, which is really stupid, because why the hell would he hit him? "Don't ever come at me like that again," Saint Butt threatens while holding a finger gun to him. "You're in New York. You know that? You're in New York...if you live in New York, you should know not to do that."

As far as we're concerned, cigarette smoking is only meant for dead sharks trying to beat rush hour.

Tagged

cigarettes

saint butt

satisfaction

smoking

subway

subway etiquette

original

Ben Yakas

Ben Yakas is a former Gothamist reporter.

Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations

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