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Have You Seen This Man?
By
Claire Lampen
Published Aug 26, 2019
Modified Aug 26, 2019
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By
Claire Lampen
Published Aug 26, 2019
Modified Aug 26, 2019
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Hello, New York City, whose man is this? Do you know him, have you seen him? According to flyers posted all around the city, he's been missing in action for quite some time, absent a few errant appearances in a handful of other states that definitely aren't the one where he's registered as an elected official.
This man is approximately 6'5" tall and weighs maybe 250 pounds. (One source has said; we cannot confirm this figure.) His silvery hair is cropped in the close, controlled manner favored among middle-aged men who do politics. He is said to love corn dogs and may be particularly responsive to your calls if you waggle one in his direction.
This man is New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio, and according to flyers advertising his disappearance, he appears to have fled the metropolis he's supposed to be running for decidedly different climes. He has reportedly been spotted "embarrassing himself in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina"—the flyer's words, not mine—potentially in pursuit of an office much higher than the one he currently holds. Even though his constituents (and voters in general) really don't want him to, de Blasio has persisted in his bid for the presidency, clutching random farmers to his chest and grinning through regional meat specialties in a performative attempt to convince you that he can do this, damnit.
Still, the viral momentum generated by his accidental helium-voice speeches has so far failed to propel him up the polling ranks, and his insistence that he continues to do "a lot of mayor-mayor things" has not convinced residents of a city that groped its way through a widespread blackout while its leader stumped in Iowa. It has not mollified the Coney Island hot dog eaters whose dad abandoned them in favor of another state's pork products. He has insisted that he remains "laser-focused" on the infrastructural issues that have contributed to 19 cyclist deaths this year alone, but really he seems more invested in courting the national recognition comes from televised arguments with conservative talk show hosts. Or so some have suggested!
The flyer's creators, who identified themselves as Jason Selvig and Davram Stiefler (comedy duo "The Good Liars"), tell Gothamist that they've received over "50 emails of support" since they started posting on Friday, but so far, "he's still out there, hopelessly campaigning." So! If you have seen or do see this man, please send your tips to [email protected]. Or maybe just tell him to come home, whatever feels correct and comfortable to you in the moment.
Tagged
2020 election
bill de blasio
de Blasio
mayor bill de blasio
Claire Lampen
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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