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Everybody's Getting A Text From Trump Today
By
John Del Signore
Published Oct 2, 2018
Modified Oct 3, 2018
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John Locher/AP/Shutterstock
By
John Del Signore
Published Oct 2, 2018
Modified Oct 3, 2018
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Mark Wednesday, October 3rd on your special memory calendar as the greatest day in the history of communication—FEMA and the FCC will be conducting a test of an emergency messaging system from the President of the United States, Donald John Trump. At approximately 2:18 p.m. Eastern Time, everyone with a cellphone will receive a special test message, no doubt the first of many such tremendous messages, each one bigger and more successful than the last. Trump is usually up by 5 a.m., so this is going to be great for losers who waste time sleeping.
From coast to coast, phones will light up with the most beautiful emergency notification flashes and sounds heralding an important "Presidential Alert." According to the FCC and FEMA, the alert message—which is not technically an SMS text message but akin to AMBER Alert messages—will read, “THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.” Which seems like a huge waste of characters, and suspiciously lacking in ALL CAPS VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS IF YOU LOVE LOSING THE MIDTERMS ARE NOVEMBER 7TH -- TO AVOID THE LINES AND VOTE NOW REPLY 'TRUMP BEST NO CUCKS 2018!'
The wireless emergency alert system is intended to be used in the event of emergencies, like incoming nuclear missiles fired from North Korea in response to a particularly provocative tweet emanating from the Devil's Workshop during the Witching Hour. Future text alerts could be used to inform Americans how to find their designated Trump Radioactivity Fallout Camps and where to collect their delicious Trump Steak, Trump Water, and Trump Potassium Iodide rations.
A few sad people who for some reason don't want Trump contacting them for any reason have filed a federal lawsuit against Trump and FEMA to stop the alert system, calling it a "violation of Americans' First and Fourth Amendment rights to be free from Government-compelled listening, as well as warrantless, non-consensual trespass into and seizure of their cellular devices."
The lawsuit compares the alert system to "hijacking private property for the purpose of planting a Government-controlled loudspeaker in the home and on the person of every American." Sounds like somebody's tired of winning.
It's unlikely the lawsuit will stop the test. To prepare, read more about Trump's hotly anticipated debut on your cell phone tomorrow. It's going to be unbelievable, many people are saying.
Tagged
donald trump
emergency alerts
fema
text messages
winning
John Del Signore
Originally from the Albany area, John Del Signore has called NYC home since 1995. In addition to his thousands of meticulously-crafted bespoke blog posts for Gothamist, his writing has also been published in The Awl, Deadspin, The Nervous Breakdown, and performed at The Brick Theater in Brooklyn.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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