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Why Emma Watson Should Skip Buying, Go Straight To Living With Me & My Parents In Queens
By
Max Rivlin-Nadler
Published Jan 22, 2014
Modified Jan 22, 2014
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By
Max Rivlin-Nadler
Published Jan 22, 2014
Modified Jan 22, 2014
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Word around town is that Emma Watson, actress/witch, is on the "hunt" for a Manhattan apartment. And while I'm sure it's every young woman's dream to one day live in a posh Manhattan pad with a view of the park and closet-space to die for, I don't really believe the time is right for Emma to make this kind of decision. In fact, I would advise a completely different direction. I believe Emma Watson should move in with me and my parents in Queens.
Listen, New York City is hard out there, especially for someone just a few years out from school. Especially if one is used to the spacious common rooms and the libraries that they found at their alma mater, and have become accustomed to the pastoral pace of the academic calendar. New York, however, is a different beast (as different as a Thestral to a Hippogriff, nahmean?). An apartment of one's own, while attractive, isn't necessarily the right move. Emma, if you're reading this (Emma, when you read this), I have some advice I think you should pay heed to.
Who knows which way you'll be leaning a year from now? Maybe you'll want to ditch city life to go volunteer at a performing arts/organic farm in Hudson, or you'll start backpacking through Europe in search of a conquistador for your heart. But in the meantime, Emma, how about you just move in with me and my mom and dad? We have an extra room, and even though there's a bunch of my sister's stuff in it, I'm sure she won't mind if we throw it out.
This isn't some weird romantic overture. Honestly, you're not even my type. This is strictly about making sound, reasonable decisions. As sound and as reasonable as the (free) balanced meals you'll be able to take from my parent's refrigerator. You won't even have to ask, Emma, just go for it. My parents are totally cool with buying food for my friends, and you can even have their HBOGo password. No problem.
Want to bring Ron over? That's cool. My parents are totally chill—they understand we're adults (pretty much, kinda) and we do adult things. So go have some fun times with your wizard boo. Won't weird them out a bit.
Sure, it takes a while to get home at night and the 7 train hardly runs on weekends, and maybe there aren't any cool bars around, but the food, Emma, the food. Great food. My parents will even take you out for food, because they like hearing about how your day has been.
So think about it, Emma. Your accent is delightful. Real estate is inexpensive (for you) and plentiful and will never become scarce. This opportunity however, to live with me and my parents, is only a limited time thing, because they want to put a treadmill in my room pretty soon, and then I'll have to move out. So just let me know, because talk is cheap. As cheap as this arrangement I'm talking about. The arrangement of living with me and my mom and my dad.
Tagged
emma watson
loneliness
real estate
Sad Men
Max Rivlin-Nadler
Max Rivlin-Nadler has been a contributor to Gothamist since 2013. He has also reported for the New York Times, NPR, and The Intercept. His years-long investigation into New York City's arcane civil forfeiture laws led to a series of reforms which altered a practice that had been taking millions from poor communities for decades. Recently, he brought back a surfing habit from a few years on the west coast, and would love to see you all out in the Rockaways.
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