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Queer Eye For the Straight Guy: Which Fag To Hag
By
Jen Chung
Published Jul 17, 2003
Modified Mar 6, 2008
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By
Jen Chung
Published Jul 17, 2003
Modified Mar 6, 2008
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Queer Eye For The Straight Guy premiered Tuesday night and it was just as good as Gothamist had hoped: A pack of gay men terrorizing a straight man into cleaning himself and his lifestyle in order to jumpstart his life, by way of clothes, accessories, styling products, gourmet food, and etiquette, and a healthy dose of bitchy remarks - love it.
Since Toby at vividblurry has already elegantly laid out the inspiring Fab Five Fuckability Guide, all Gothamist can do is submit Which Fag Should Women Hag?. Yes, the gay man, the only thing that can turn your average gal into a bona fide fag hag, an important step in any New York City Girl's life. A well-behaved escort, knowledgeable, witty, appropriately catty, and great fun for shopping... Whether it's Stanford, Jack, or Waldo Lydecker...well, maybe not Waldo Lydecker. Maybe someone suave like Rupert Everett or fun like Alan Cumming. So using, "Which Fag Would Jen Hag" as the base model (Jen's foibles, selfish demands and whiny needs taken into account), Gothamist rate the Fab Five Fags thusly:
Jai: He's super cute and earnest, and he'd probably be up for going to the really new places in less gay-gay areas (Lower East Side...Brooklyn...). However, he's so young, his advice, while enthusiastic, would not be as wise and learned. In fact, Jai might have a lot of drama himself, getting involved with the wrong man, etc...if you're a selfish hag, Jai might not shower you with the attention you want when he starts making eyes with the strapping guy across the room.
Sex and the City hag Jai would fag: Samantha, when she wanted to be the knowing sex goddess or just feel young by going out with
Kyan: No two ways about it - he's stunning to both sexes, gay and straight. While totally wonderful to look at and great for some beauty tips and a scalp massage, it's possible that women would start to feel resentful because (1) straight men would be mesmerized by him and (2) it would get very depressing to spend so much time next to a guy you're so attracted to and realize that you can never ever have him, even if you were gay because you wouldn't be pretty/hot enough for him... Next!
Sex and the City hag Kyan would fag: Samantha, because she would not be intimidated, and Carrie, because she's as high maintenance
Carson: Girlfriend could probably transform the ugliest duckling into at least a decent mallard with just a change of clothes, but his honesty might be too bracing. It would be like having your mother visit. Which is not to say he wouldn't be great for a brunch-and-shopping date and for telling it like it is.
Sex and the City hag Carson would fag: Carrie, because they both screech and have tendencies to be fashion victims
Ted: Ted's humor is pretty dry, he's pretty erudite, which makes him the thinking girl's fag. He'd be quick to calm a girl down, while suggesting the right wine to drown the worries away in. The problem would then be, slightly similar to the Kyan dilemma, is, why can't Ted be straight? Ted is approachable, attractive but not too attractive, terribly smart and witty...becoming perhaps too high a benchmark for straight men to try to meet.
Sex and the City hag Ted would fag: Miranda, because they are both droll, smart, understated yet very effective
Thom: Thom is another quieter personality. His success with his unerring eye in design leads him to make decisions very calmly and effortlessly, with minimum fuss. But when freaked out, he can get a little queeny, which might helpfully make any girl feel more in control than she really is.
Sex and the City hag Thom would fag: Charlotte, because he's so tasteful
Overall analysis: It's clear that a hag not only needs a fag for companionship but for a kick in the pants as well, so sometimes it's best to go with a more opposing personality. Therefore, Gothamist would try to hag all the fags (except for Kyan and don't feel bad for him - the last thing he needs is a hag, we're sure...but he is a personal grooming expert so...) but with different needs and purposes in mind. Jai would be great to party with till morning, while Thom would rearrange your room so you wouldn't trip on the way to the bathroom, Ted would whip you up a hangover breakfast, Kyan could liven up your icky vodka-infused appearance and Carson would have secretly called your ex-boyfriend (his number's still programmed in your cell) who was at the party and the reason you got so drunk in the first place and balled him out. Augh - it's true, they are the Fab Five.
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Jen Chung
Jen Chung is a former WNYC and Gothamist editor.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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