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Monster Found On Long Beach Makes Parenting Easier
By
Christopher Robbins
Published Aug 29, 2011
Modified Aug 29, 2011
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By
Christopher Robbins
Published Aug 29, 2011
Modified Aug 29, 2011
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Before you draw any immediate conclusions from the photo above, keep in mind the following: there is no such thing as the Chupacabra (except in the Puerto Rican town of Canóvanas on the night of a full moon) and the Montauk Monster is probably more of a Resort Raccoon. So what is this beast that washed up on Long Beach yesterday? A spokesman for Dads Who Use Monster Folklore For Efficient Parenting tells us that it's probably one of his brethren furthering the cause. "This is some high quality work," the flack says, "Look at how its face is slightly obscured but its teeth are bared. And all the realistic entrail-foam!"
The DWUMFEP spokesman explains the mission of the shadowy guild: "It's just a helluva lot easier to say, 'If you don't eat your broccoli, the slippery winged eel will fly into your room tonight and slither in your ear.' So we gotta do everything we can to keep the fear of monsters alive in our kids' tiny beating hearts." DWUMFEP has also made strides in the coveted 12-16 year-old demo: "Those are the hardest, but you'd be surprised how fast a 14-year-old will take the trash out if you tell him you cleaned up a mysterious blood trail and matted fur in the back yard. This photo will ensure that homework is done promptly for a long, long time."
He adds: "I wonder how many hours it took this guy to paint the detail on that fake bird in the corner. This has Phil Johnston written all over it," referring to an acquaintance with three kids who "has a massive garage that his wife never even goes into, and plenty of free time."
Tagged
chupacabra
irene
long island
monsters
montauk monster
parenting
weird animals
Christopher Robbins
Christopher Robbins is a New York City reporter covering transportation, affordable housing, local politics, and criminal justice. His work has also appeared in New York Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times. Chris is a graduate of Patrick Henry High School in Roanoke, Virginia, and enjoys biking to Fort Tilden in the summertime.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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