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How Many Animals Must Die Before De Blasio Resigns?
By
John Del Signore
Published Feb 22, 2017
Modified Jan 31, 2019
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By
John Del Signore
Published Feb 22, 2017
Modified Jan 31, 2019
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Mayor de Blasio may not be very effective at ending homelessness or finding a treadmill anywhere near his house, but he is a savant when it comes to single-handedly wiping out the animal kingdom, the NY Post reports. In an exposé headlined "ANIMALS KEEP DYING UNDER MAYOR DE BLASIO'S WATCH," the Post takes a hard look at the long, bloody trail of animal carcasses rotting in the mayor's wake. Take, for instance, yesterday's runaway bull, which was ruthlessly executed by the mayor's goons just hours after it escaped a Queens slaughterhouse (where it was already scheduled for slaughter, to de Blasio's delight). Every day that slaughterhouse, and others like it across the city, send countless animals to their doom as the mayor gleefully watches via live video steam from a private, rubber-lined screening room in Gracie Mansion, sources say. In fact, de Blasio's fetish for animal snuff films is so widely known that City Hall staffers secretly call him death Blasio.
For the annual Inner Circle sketch "comedy" show last year, the mayor spent months rehearsing an elaborate three-hour-long performance in which Louis CK and Steve Buscemi were expected to sacrifice a goat, ten lobsters, and a peacock live on stage as de Blasio circled the room waving a censer burning incense mixed with locks of hair stolen from Andrew Cuomo's barbershop and repeatedly chanting "BLAAAAZZZZZZUP?" sources say. But the skit was nixed at the last minute after CBS 2's Marcia Kramer reported that the sacrificial knives had been purchased from a mysterious Cypriot collector using city funds. Instead, de Blasio tried to make a funny and got in trouble.
The Post also finds it very interesting that both a deer and a groundhog have died on de Blasio's (death) watch. And that's not even taking into account the innumerable mice and rats who've been slaughtered in this city by de Blasio death squads. And what about Pizza Rat? Won't be seeing him no more, now that he's scampered down the metaphorical tunnel of mortality. When you think about it, it's a miracle that Gracie the Whale managed to make it out alive, given how close it got to the mayor's abattoir.
Remember when Bloomberg was mayor and New Yorkers lived in blissful harmony with nature, sparrows playfully nesting in the mayor's hair during press conferences, and swans tucked our darling children into bed at night? New York City under de Blasio is nothing but senseless slaughter and mass extinction, and our nostrils are perpetually singed by the stench of rotting horse carcasses that line our boulevards.
Death Blasio must resign before New York City's harmony with nature is irrevocably ruined. Because once all of the animals are dead, it's only a matter of time before the mayor develops a taste for the most dangerous game.
Tagged
animal slaughter
de Blasio
death
John Del Signore
Originally from the Albany area, John Del Signore has called NYC home since 1995. In addition to his thousands of meticulously-crafted bespoke blog posts for Gothamist, his writing has also been published in The Awl, Deadspin, The Nervous Breakdown, and performed at The Brick Theater in Brooklyn.
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