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New Yorkers' Top 43 Worst Fears
By
John Del Signore
Published Jun 2, 2015
Modified Jun 3, 2015
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Courtesy Pete Cunningham
By
John Del Signore
Published Jun 2, 2015
Modified Jun 3, 2015
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In the wake of this report about a man falling through a subway grate, The Awl accumulated a list of "Every New Yorker's Worst Nightmares," ranked from "least scary to most pants crapping." It's a scary list, but I fear it's far from complete. Here are more things we can/should be/are living in fear of, compiled with the help of Gothamist's resident scaremonger Jake Dobkin:
43. Pigeons pooping in your mouth
42. Rats crawling under your covers for warmth while you sleep
41. Rats in the toilet bowl (MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK)
40. Rats crawling up your pant leg during a movie
39. Unidentified "city juice" dripping on your exposed flesh
38. Movement in your souvlaki sandwich
37. Realizing your neighbors across the street can see what you’ve been web browsing
36. Gas explosions
35. Seeing your photo on Gothamist
34. Splashed by garbage water while waiting to cross the street during rain
33. Splitting the check at a big group birthday dinner
32. Bed bugs bed bugs bed bugs bed bugs are these bed bug bites?
31. Stabbed by a stranger
30. Stabbed by a friend
29. Stabbed by a celebrity and not playing it cool
28. Groped by homeless guy while subway is stuck between stations
27. Seeing this on the subway.
26. Or this.
25. Or this.
24. Running into an acquaintance on the subway
23. Losing toes in an escalator accident
22. Losing life in elevator accident
21. Getting made fun of by local tough 7th graders
20. Beeping smoke detectors (or SOMETHING WHAT IS THAT?) echoing forever in the courtyard
19. Spending weeks producing a YouTube video that doesn't go viral and is viewed fewer than 50 times until you finally make it private and move back home to Utica
18. Ordering a bagel at one of those sidewalk bagel stands and they give you something that’s really more of a roll
17. Getting trapped in Nick Denton’s spider-filled orb during a NYC media party
16. NYC media party
15. NYC media
14. Only convenient bodega replaced by Bank of America
13. Falling air conditioner
12. Falling off fire escape
11. Falling in front of witnesses
10. Fall apple picking day trips
9. Getting crotch-punched by a subway turnstile when you swipe without realizing your MetroCard expired
8. Hugs
7. Buying chicken from Key Food and realizing they’ve been backdating it like 4 weeks
6. Stepping in dog poop
5. Slipping in dog poop right into path of a bus
4. Living below these people
3. Your actor friend's off-off Broadway play (which is just a stage reading workshop production but they really need your support)
2. Your friend's band
1. All the wine stores in your neighborhood closed on Sunday night
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John Del Signore
Originally from the Albany area, John Del Signore has called NYC home since 1995. In addition to his thousands of meticulously-crafted bespoke blog posts for Gothamist, his writing has also been published in The Awl, Deadspin, The Nervous Breakdown, and performed at The Brick Theater in Brooklyn.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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