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Can't Obama Just Tell Giuliani He Loves Him So He'll Shut Up?
By
John Del Signore
Published Feb 20, 2015
Modified Feb 20, 2015
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By
John Del Signore
Published Feb 20, 2015
Modified Feb 20, 2015
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What a treat to wake up and discover that former mayor of 9/11 Town Rudy Giuliani is still out there making word sounds with his mouth-hole flaps. Of course it wasn't enough that the media lavished attention on him yesterday for saying Obama hates America and has a biased view of the Crusades. Giuliani is a sad, lonely powerless creep who only has a tattered 9/11 blanky to keep him warm at night (he calls it his "Osammy"), so he's going to keep feeding the Internet's HateClick Machine until, like some mutant John Henry, his heart explodes.
You'll recall, unfortunately, that Giuliani was at a fundraiser for likely presidential candidate Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin on Wednesday night when he revealed how hurt he is that Obama does not love him. "I do not believe, and I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the president loves America,” Giuliani told those in attendance. "He doesn’t love you. And he doesn’t love me. He wasn’t brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up, through love of this country."
Sources say Giuliani then proceeded to describe, in graphic detail, how a real president should go about loving America. His love advice is far too NSFW to quote here, but suffice it to say that Giuliani's approach involves copious amounts of warm oil drizzled on Michigan's Upper Peninsula.
And after everyone on the left delivered their round of "What? Fuck this guy!" #HotTakes, Giuliani came back for an encore, this time in a chat with the Times, which was curious to know what exactly he meant by "he wasn’t brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up." In a blog post perfectly headlined "Giuliani: Obama Had a White Mother, So I’m Not a Racist," the Times reports:
“Some people thought it was racist — I thought that was a joke, since he was brought up by a white mother, a white grandfather, went to white schools, and most of this he learned from white people,” Mr. Giuliani said in the interview. “This isn’t racism. This is socialism or possibly anti-colonialism.”
Mr. Giuliani said his remarks on Wednesday night were in response to a question about what kind of president he would like to see elected in 2016. He responded, he said, by telling the audience that he wanted a leader who was Mr. Obama’s opposite.
“I want an American president to raise our spirits again, like a Ronald Reagan,” he said.
Mr. Giuliani said he also objected to the president’s comments about the Crusades at the National Prayer Breakfast this month, in which Mr. Obama said that during the Inquisition, people had “committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ.”
“Now we know there’s something wrong with the guy,” Mr. Giuliani said of the president. “I thought that one sort of went off the cliff.’’
When it comes to going off a cliff, Giuliani certainly knows the terrain. Where to even begin? Maybe his argument that the not-so-subtle racist dog whistle he blew in Obama's direction is being misheard because Obama isn't really that black? Nope, there's our migraine again. Can we just focus on Giuliani's notion that Obama doesn't care enough about America's awesome colonial empire? No no, there's that wave of nausea. Let us simply recall that golden era when Ronald Reagan was president and everyone's spirits soared. Also, what kind of ahistorical crazy talk is it to suggest that Christian Crusaders did terrible deeds?! Obama must resign.
Giuliani then rotated over to Fox News, where his interview with Megyn Kelly made Megyn Kelly SOUND REASONABLE. Giuliani is so crazy he makes insane people sane. After he criticized Obama for not doing enough jingoist flag-waving to tout American exceptionalism, Kelly argued, "a lot of liberals don't believe in American exceptionalism, but that doesn't mean they don't love America." Yes, Megyn Kelly just dropped some nuance.
"I don't feel it," Giuliani said. "I don't feel this love of America (from Obama). I believe his initial approach is to criticize this country, and then afterwards to say a few nice things about it." Seriously Barry, you can't keep pushing America down the stairs and expect your empty compliments to heal her broken bones.
And no Giuliani HateClick Tour would be complete without 911911911911911911911 911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911911. In a chat with Sean Hannity, Giuliani reminded everyone that Obama "didn’t live through September 11, I did. President Obama didn’t almost have a building fall on him, myself and my police commissioner and my fire commissioner did. So excuse me, it’s a little bit emotional for me, but it’s also real. These people are dangerous."
Whoa terrorists are dangerous? Does Obama even GET that? And if Obama doesn't tell America he loves her at least twice a day, how can he possibly keep her safe? Empty rhetoric is the only thing that's ever kept freedom alive.
N.B.: This will be the last Giuliani HateClick compilation of the week, if only because we're running out of ways to say "fuck this guy." But we did ask an intern to help prepare us for next week:
Spanish: joder este chico
German: ficken dieser Kerl
Polish: kurwa ten facet
Esperanto: fuck ĉi ulo
Portuguese: foder esse cara
French: foutre ce gars
Canadian: Let's just stop talking about that American, eh?
Tagged
love
obama
rudy giuliani
sex advice
John Del Signore
Originally from the Albany area, John Del Signore has called NYC home since 1995. In addition to his thousands of meticulously-crafted bespoke blog posts for Gothamist, his writing has also been published in The Awl, Deadspin, The Nervous Breakdown, and performed at The Brick Theater in Brooklyn.
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