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Tear Your Eyes Out With These Delightful Netflix V-Day Offerings
By
Rebecca Fishbein
Published Feb 14, 2015
Modified Feb 14, 2015
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By
Rebecca Fishbein
Published Feb 14, 2015
Modified Feb 14, 2015
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It is a regrettable truth that not everyone can spend Valentine's Day cuddling under a blue whale with Newt Gingrich. But remember, all you lonely people, that Netflix will always be there for you, even if it can't gift you with a love cockroach. Watch these romantic offerings available to stream and embrace the Supreme Court's assertion that marriage should be between a human and a computer; these are also solid films to subject a significant other to if you're looking for a passive-aggressive way to break up with them.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S ROMEO + JULIET: Oh sure, Romeo & Juliet seems like the greatest love story of all time, but it's really about two underage teenagers who kill themselves because their parents DON'T UNDERSTAND. Not hot, just sad. Love is sad.
THE IRON LADY: "Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day. Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day. Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day." Don't worry Meryl, you're still a fox.
EDO PORN: I found this while skimming through Netflix's Steamy Romance section, which is also where they hide all the terrible movies no one should ever see. According to Wikipedia, **SPOILER ALERT**there is a scene that involves a young woman having a threesome with octopuses (octopi? Octopussy?). I scrolled ahead, and this scene does in fact exist. Here's a snippet. You're welcome.
SCHIZO: I have not watched this film, but according to the Netflix blurb, this "grisly shocker" is about "a young figure skater is elated about her upcoming wedding ... until an unwelcome guest shows up to begin a crusade of terror." Can't go wrong.
THE TOXIC AVENGER PARTS I-IV: Not only is Netflix streaming the first edition of this decidedly non-erotic cult superhero flick—a film in which this happens in a taco bar—but its also streaming The Toxic Avenger Part II, The Toxic Avenger Part III, AND Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV. This almost makes up for the fact that Netflix is no longer streaming Teeth, a film about a woman whose vagina eats penises. A boy broke my heart right before we went to see that particular movie, not that I'm still bitter or anything. Here's a scene from The Toxic Avenger Part II, for funsies.
THE SWEETEST THING: Cameron Diaz's career baffles me.
THE BABYSITTERS: This 2007 film is terrible for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it features a lot of shirtless old men. The plot, if you will, is about a group of teenagers who discover that very married men like to have sex with the nubile youths that babysit their children. Somewhere along the way, Sam Waterston's daughter falls in love with John Leguizamo, and it's all a mess. 2007 was a weird year.
CALL THE MIDWIFE: This BBC period drama follows several young nurses working as midwives in post-WWII London. It's actually a great series, but it is all about childbirth, and they don't smooth over any of the nasty bits. A male acquaintance once forced to watch this referred to it as "that show with all the screaming," so take that for what it's worth.
MOONSTRUCK: Okay, fine, this is just a great movie. I'm going to watch it myself. Happy Valentine's Day!
Tagged
misery
netflix
sadness
valentine's day
original
Rebecca Fishbein
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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