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Ask A Native New Yorker's Mom: Are You A Terrible Parent If You Raise Your Child In NYC?
By
Jen Chung
Published Jan 23, 2015
Modified Jan 23, 2015
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Courtesy Jen Chung Private Collection
By
Jen Chung
Published Jan 23, 2015
Modified Jan 23, 2015
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Are you relatively new to this bustling metropolis? Don't be shy about it, everyone was new to New York once upon a time, except, of course, those battle-hardened residents who've lived here their whole lives and Know It All. One of these lifers works among us at Gothamist—publisher Jake Dobkin grew up in Park Slope and still resides there. He is now fielding questions—ask him anything by sending an email here, but be advised that Dobkin is "not sure you guys will be able to handle my realness." We can keep you anonymous if you prefer; just let us know what neighborhood you live in.
Dear Native New Yorker,
I've read various accounts of child rearing (and adult living) in NYC in the AaNNY series, which always serves to inspire.My well-intentioned yet fearful Texan mother sent me the following gem of journalism (ever so worthy of the Post), which I believe deserves rebuttal in the signature style of Ask a Native New Yorker. Thanks, Native-Texan and longtime Brooklynite
The Native New Yorker decided to throw this story to Gothamist co-founder Jen Chung, who is not a Native New Yorker, but is currently raising one. Jen would rather not give up her kid's M72 bus seat for an old lady.
Dear Native Texan and longtime-Brooklynite,
I also read Mackenzie Dawson's column about how Manhattan is hell for new parents! As someone who has spent her past five years raising a girl in Manhattan, I had some very strong feelings. Mainly because now my goal in life is to never raise a child anywhere else but NYC.
Dawson, who wrote a terrific open letter to Gwyneth Paltrow about being a working mom, has followed up with this piece called "Raising a baby in NYC is a terrible, terrible idea." But be warned: This is actually another damn leaving New York City essay in disguise, because she moved to Westchester.
Baby's first Upper West Side librul political rally (Courtesy Jen Chung Private Collection)
I grew up in the suburbs of New Jersey, and sure, when I see people announce on Facebook that they're moving to Maplewood, I think, "That lawn is pretty... Ooh, a finished basement... And a sunroom!" But then I realize that the lawn needs to be mowed, basements flood and the sunroom is a bitch to heat. And forget home maintenance—once you move to the 'burbs, you'll be chauffeuring kids round-the-clock to their activities because they'll simply have to join the traveling soccer league with all their friends.
The suburbs are all about homogeny and fitting in and having dads who are Republican. Get with the program, get the same Benetton rugby shirt or Laura Ashley jumper dress as the other girls or get out, because it's not going be a happy ending like Mean Girls. It's going to be more like "Your daughter has Snapchatted naked pictures of herself to the popular guy in school, and now that dickhead has put them on Instagram."
But that's many years in the future! Let me now address Dawson's reasons for why raising a toddler in NYC is terrible:
1) Taking her baby on the subway is a "terrifying thing" and the bus is supposedly only slightly better, but you still need to fold your stroller and lug it on. Apparently she picked a pediatrician not near her East Village home but one in Tribeca, "who was the most French and who had been described in the charming Parisian parenting memoir “Bringing Up Bébé.”"
This is a rookie mistake. One that can be easily solved—by finding a pediatrician closer to you! But if you do need to travel a distance to get to a pediatrician or specialist with your child, you just DEAL. While New Yorkers can be cruel and terrible, especially when it comes to mass transit, there are definitely some kind ones who will see a mom or caregiver struggling with a stroller and give them a hand. These are probably going to be the people who shame assholes out of their subway seats so you and your baby can sit down, too.
And if they don't, then you are getting a good work out—the city is your gym. Or use a baby carrier. I'm pretty sure if this lady can commute on the subway, you can too!
2) People giving her stink-eye because she brought her baby to a coffee shop/bookstore/restaurant: "If you’re a conscientious parent, you’ll choose your places carefully, only bringing your baby to places that seem appropriate. But that won’t matter. You’ll still get the stink-eye from people who seem to think they have a divine right to socialize only with people in their exact age and tax bracket."
This is the same kind of bullshit thinking that you fall into when you're single—like you think you're not "cool" enough to hang at a particular club. Jake would suggest that you divest yourself of worrying about other people and quote some Buddhist aphorism, but I'd say your energy is better spent enjoying your chai latte while your kid is crying and ruining everyone else's peace while you settle on a Paperless Post invite design for your kid's first birthday. Just be a generous tipper and maybe never go there again.
Hoda Kotb did not mind the little Native New Yorker having lunch at a nice restaurant (Courtesy Jen Chung Private Collection)
3) Dawson writes, "Manhattan abides by the laws of the jungle, where competition is high, and someone else is always going to be smarter, faster and more 22 than you. Really, it’s a place where it’s ideal to be unencumbered. It does not favor the old, the very young, the weak or the vulnerable."
I think this is the point of living in New York City: You want to be constantly inspired and challenged to be better and smarter. Or to put it more simply, I want my daughter to have the edge when she sacrifices her slowest friend while trying to outrun the older bullies.
If you raise your child in New York, he or she will know what good pizza is, never fall for a broken bottle/glasses scam, learn that you never toast a fresh bagel, and grow into a connoisseur of bodega cats. These are important skills and personality traits to cultivate in order to never be taken as a fool in life.
Two Native New Yorkers stare at each other (Courtesy Jen Chung Private Collection)
He or she will also be exposed to a much more diverse group of people—ethnically and socio-economically, if not politically—and realize that life is not just going to the mall on the weekend.
4) For some reason, walking has become terrible for Dawson: "Then there will always be someone behind you sighing, groaning, wishing you’d move faster. The grid is all about linear forward momentum, pushing you onward, not encouraging anyone to stop. The grid wants fast. The grid wants now. The grid does not want your baby merrily tossing his hat out of his stroller for the 16th time."
Sure, the grid is like a shark, always moving forward, but the grid actually hates idiots who text/read email/check Twitter while walking way more than people with strollers or old people. If the grid was actually only about forward momentum, there would be no doggies or potbellied pigs. Just have an extra hat or three because you're never ever seeing it again and enjoy the time with the stroller since you'll be enemy number 1 when your kid uses a scooter.
So, in other words, should you move to the suburbs once you have kids? Here's what our Native New Yorker said about this:
You should definitely leave New York. Hit the road! Vamoose! Ged da fuuuuhhhck oud. There's no time like the present: if you start looking for a house now, your kid can be enjoying the clean air and stupefying boredom of suburban life by Christmas!
If you don't mind spending two hours a day commuting, don't get suicidally depressed shopping at the White Plains Mall, and look forward to schlepping your kids by car to every appointment they have for the next 18 years, well, my friend, you have a strength of character that we natives do not. Therefore, you owe it to us to leave to New York, and to make room for those of us who have to stay. This is a moral obligation and a sacrifice you must make for the greater good and to reduce competition for real estate.
Seriously—although I would be remiss if I didn't note that you'll probably end up moving back to NYC after you realize that life in the suburbs is incredibly boring and you just bought more junk to fill up your extra space. And you're not going to find a Banksy in Ardsley.
A Native New Yorker's first Banksy (Courtesy Jen Chung Private Collection)
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Jen Chung
Jen Chung is a former WNYC and Gothamist editor.
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