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Mad Scientists Hard At Work On Doritos-Flavored Mountain Dew
By
Ben Yakas
Published Nov 8, 2014
Modified Nov 8, 2014
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By
Ben Yakas
Published Nov 8, 2014
Modified Nov 8, 2014
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The world doesn't have enough diabetes as it stands, so the hard-working mad scientists over at Pepsi Co. are doing their darndest to accelerate humanity's demise-by-blood-glucose by developing Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. Some people really do just want to watch the world burn.
The hellish hybrid—which, by our calculations, is made up of approximately 20% x-treme sugar, 15% garbage dump additives, 40% psychosis-induced regret, 10% cheese-flavored vomit, 10% polydipsia and 5% delicious baby tears—has been in the works for at least a year. But it came into our world thanks to Redditor joes_nipples, who posted a photo on Friday of the "Dewitos."
Joes_nipples, a Kent State University student, noted, "the stuff actually tasted like liquid Doritos. It was really weird, and not exactly appetizing. They also had some other demo flavors, and they were doing surveys, I guess some kind of customer research...it was like a weird mix of mountain dew flavor and doritos. Like if you shoved a handful of doritos in your mouth and chugged some dew at the same time. Not that I've ever done that..."
It may seem unbelievable, but not everyone was ready to believe joes_nipples word that this was a real thing, and not a fake viral meme. Pepsi Co. gently reminded the world that when joes_nipples talks, we ought listen: "We are always testing out new flavors of Mountain Dew, and giving our fans a voice in helping decide on the next new product has always been important to us,” a spokeswoman for PepsiCo said in a statement to The Huffington Post. "We opened up the DEW flavor vault and gave students a chance to try this Doritos-inspired flavor as part of a small program at colleges and universities."
It's unclear whether Dewitos will escape from the laboratory and into the bellies of millions of soon-to-be-sick Americans, but we take comfort in the fact that the Illuminati, the official sponsor of Doritos, would never do anything that wasn't in our best interests.
Tagged
dorito-flavored mountain dew
doritos
frankenfood
mountain dew
why god
Ben Yakas
Ben Yakas is a former Gothamist reporter.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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