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These $40 Artisanal Toothpicks Are Just The Right Size For Eyeball Gouging
By
Lauren Evans
Published May 22, 2014
Modified May 22, 2014
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By
Lauren Evans
Published May 22, 2014
Modified May 22, 2014
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When you've finished stuffing a fine handcrafted gourmet marshmallow that you toasted to perfection on a skewer whittled from reclaimed branches into your face hole, you'll need something to clear the debris from your crudely constructed, mass-produced teeth. The only tool befitting of such a task, short of doll-sized spear made of gold bullion, are these $40 artisanal toothpicks. Here's a picture of a starving child!
"At Daneson business is done the old fashioned way. Our toothpicks are the finest quality Northern White Birch prepared according to exacting recipes for dignified individuals." The utensils, which enter your rotten mouth to clear away decomposing food, are available in flavors like "salted birch," "single malt" and "lemon." (To be fair, lemon is only $19.99 for 12. Single Malt is $35.99.)
"Daneson makes small batch flavoured toothpicks. We only use premium natural ingredients like essential oils and single malt scotch. These oils give our sticks a subtle aroma and an experience that is unique from batch to batch and that changes over time much like a fine wine." I got acid reflux from copy/pasting that.
Remember that no matter who you are—a Pulitzer recipient, the Dalai Lama, Alec Baldwin—you have done, nothing, nothing, in your life to deserve the decadent lifestyle that purchasing these toothpicks implies. Got money to burn? Donate it to your favorite charity. Tape it to the side of a cow. Do not, under any circumstances, think it is OK to spend nearly $40 on a set of toothpicks. Thank you for reading.
(h/t First We Feast)
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Lauren Evans
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