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Snow What: Yeah, That's Right Snowstorm You Run Home To Mama
By
John Del Signore
Published Mar 3, 2014
Modified Mar 3, 2014
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Jen Carlson / Gothamist
By
John Del Signore
Published Mar 3, 2014
Modified Mar 3, 2014
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New York City turned last night's Winter Storm Watch into its Winter Storm Biatch—despite numerous white-knuckle predictions of heavy snowfall, we walked away with less than half an inch of accumulation in most places. Did New Yorkers' battle-hardened Winter War Cries scare off the incoming storm, sending it scurrying south to defenseless New Jersey? The Paper of Record attributes the lack of snow to the Jet Stream, but you just can't underestimate the power of pure attitude when it comes to weather patterns. This really all you got, Winter? Yeah, that's what we thought.
Forecasters say the coming week will be bitterly cold, with the high today only reaching 23. We say bring it the fuck on. This endless undying winter has transformed us into hardcore survivalist weather warriors, ready to snap off our own frostbitten toes to eat for lunch and then ask for seconds. Someday this War on Winter's gonna end, but for now we've learned to love it. Spring is a fairy tale parents tell their frightened, shivering children to help them sleep; we know now that Winter is our reality, and with that comes acceptance, and strength.
What was it Colonel Kurtz said about winter in Snowpocalypse Now? "Winter has a face, and you must make a friend of Winter. Winter and mortal terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared." We no longer fear winter, and so we are free. Winter is, in fact, a worthy adversary, and our war with Winter defines us and gives our lives meaning. We will never stop fighting Winter until every last icicle is ripped from the bodega awnings and plunged deep into Winter's cowardly melting heart, until every last drop of Winter's blood is drunk deep from the vanquished snowmen's skulls. And only then will we step back and realize how we kind of lost it these past few months.
Tagged
lunacy
snow
weather
original
John Del Signore
Originally from the Albany area, John Del Signore has called NYC home since 1995. In addition to his thousands of meticulously-crafted bespoke blog posts for Gothamist, his writing has also been published in The Awl, Deadspin, The Nervous Breakdown, and performed at The Brick Theater in Brooklyn.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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