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De Blasio Leaves Upper East Side To Drown In Ocean Of Trash
By
Christopher Robbins
Published Jan 28, 2014
Modified Jan 28, 2014
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By
Christopher Robbins
Published Jan 28, 2014
Modified Jan 28, 2014
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Who will fight for the Upper East Side? Since November's coup d'état, the tiny, defenseless region of Manhattan that is mainly inhabited by orphanages and golden retriever rehabilitation centers has been completely cut off from the rest of the city. Diplomatic entreaties have been roundly rejected by the ruling party, and each powerless night unleashes new horrors upon the demoralized populace, who pray for just a few silverfish to crawl into their shivering mouths so that they might have enough sustenance to whisper tearful farewells at sunrise. Mayor Bill de Blasio is letting these people drown in an ocean of trash!
“This is bullshit. First, de Blasio didn’t take care of us during the snowstorm, and now he’s letting us stew in our own garbage and recyclables,” an Upper East Side resident told a trio of reporters from the Post, who gained access to the embattled neighborhood only after signing documents indemnifying News Corp should the newly-sentient pythons of discarded dental floss use their bodies as hosts for their spearmint-coated offspring.
Another resident strained to shout over the din coming from a clan of hyenas who were fighting to lick the soy-based ink from the region's last Gotham Writers Workshop news box: "You can’t walk on either side of the street without bumping into a garbage bag.”
A spokesman for the de Blasio administration, speaking through a video screen implanted in the forehead of an empathetic droid who is caring for many of the Upper East Side's most trash-infected residents, said, “Any allegations that neighborhoods were chosen over others for trash removal are totally absurd.”
Tagged
bill de blasio
class war
lost causes
this is the last chopper out of the UES
upper east side
Christopher Robbins
Christopher Robbins is a New York City reporter covering transportation, affordable housing, local politics, and criminal justice. His work has also appeared in New York Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times. Chris is a graduate of Patrick Henry High School in Roanoke, Virginia, and enjoys biking to Fort Tilden in the summertime.
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