Gothamist
A non-profit newsroom, powered by WNYC.
Gothamist
Listen Live
News
Ask A Native New Yorker: How Soon Is Too Soon To Cohabitate In NYC?
By
Gothamist Staff
Published Jan 10, 2014
Modified Jan 10, 2014
Share
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail
Never miss a story
Email address
By submitting your information, you're agreeing to receive communications from New York Public Radio in accordance with our Terms .
Courtesy Private Jake Dobkin Collection
By
Gothamist Staff
Published Jan 10, 2014
Modified Jan 10, 2014
Share
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail
We rely on your support to make local news available to all
Make your contribution now and help Gothamist thrive in 2026. Donate today
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Are you relatively new to this fine metropolis? Don't be shy about it, everyone was new to New York once upon a time... except, of course, those battle-hardened residents who've lived here their whole lives and Know It All. One of these lifers works among us at Gothamist—publisher Jake Dobkin grew up in Park Slope and currently resides in Brooklyn Heights. He is now fielding questions—ask him anything by sending an email here, but be advised that Dobkin is "not sure you guys will be able to handle my realness." We can keep you anonymous if you prefer; just let us know what neighborhood you live in.
This week's question from
Dear Native New Yorker,
Should I move in with my boyfriend before I feel I am ready, just to save a buck? Well, actually many, many bucks? If I were still living "the country," I would institute a 2-year minimum before moving in together, but with NY rent, I'm considering cohabitation after 9 months.
Uptown Girl
A Native New Yorker responds:
Dear Uptown Girl,
Yes, you should definitely move in with this guy. Provided, of course, that you see serious marriage potential there, and he feels the same way. Back in the hinterlands, it's probably still illegal to hold hands after 9-months of dating, let alone move in together, but you're living in New York now, and things here move at a faster pace.
Given the high cost of rent, the huge potential savings from splitting a one-bedroom, and the ferocious competition for all sane, non-disfigured, reasonably nice potential spouses, you can't afford to dilly-dally here: 9-months is plenty. I've known plenty of happy couples who moved in together after less time than that.
In my own case, I moved in with my girlfriend after just 13 months, way back in 2001. My previous roommate had bought an apartment and had given me 3 days notice to find a new place, and she happened to have a nice walk-up in the South Village. Long story short, we got married three years later, and are now celebrating our ten year anniversary in August.
The key, as I see it, is we were on the same page from the beginning: we saw a future together, and that made it a lot easier to get over the usual B.S. about living together, like how one of us refused to do any housework, and spent like three years on the couch just watching Buffy episodes and blogging about bullshit while the other one had to go to work. My point is that all problems are solvable if you love and trust each other and feel committed to a future together.
In previous generations, there was talk of a "cohabitation penalty": higher divorce rates for couples who moved-in together before marriage. But this seems to have been conclusively disproved as a statistical effect for more recent marriages. But I do wonder if there's a slippery slope to less happy marriages, if you kind of slide-into living with someone before you've determined if they're really the right person for you.
The solution, of course, is brutal honesty with yourself and your partner. Luckily, as New Yorkers, you've probably already picked up enough of the local atmosphere to stop being polite and start getting real. Look this potential housemate right in the eyes and say "do you really, truly see a long term future here?" And then just keep staring until he either says yes or runs out of the room. Make sure you agree on the obvious stuff: plans for finances, kids, career, etc. Also get him to agree that if anything changes after the first year's lease is up, you'll be honest enough to end it with no beef: you're not trying to get married just to save on rent. And really stick to that.
Anyway, remember: if you're lucky enough to live in New York and have someone who likes you enough to consider living with you, you're doing better than most of people on this Earth. Keeping that in mind will make it much easier to get through the ups and downs which come in all relationships, and tolerating those ups and downs will eventually make you a very wise and loving person. Good luck!
P.S.: Another good way to test if you're ready is to take a long vacation with someone: it has all the stress of co-habitating and has a way of bringing deal-breakers to the surface quickly. You might look at someone differently after seeing how they handle an unexpected 20 hour layover in Albuquerque!
Ask A Native New Yorker anything by emailing our Tips address here.
Tagged
ask a native new yorker
cohabitation
original
Gothamist Staff
Read more
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
MORE news
Mamdani makes childcare free for 22K NYC families
The Mamdani administration is covering the weekly co-pays for families who receive subsidized childcare.
By
Karen Yi
Published Aug 13, 2026 at 1:11 p.m. ET
Mother sues NYC, saying ACS harassed her family with false abuse reports
The lawsuit claims the Administration for Children’s Services violated the woman's constitutional rights.
By
Samantha Max
News
Mother sues NYC, saying ACS harassed her family with false abuse reports
The lawsuit claims the Administration for Children’s Services violated the woman's constitutional rights.
By
Samantha Max
AOC freezes her eggs, mixing her personal life with politics
By
Brigid Bergin
Early Addition: Nuns just want to have fun
By
Maddie Bristowe
Manhattan residents who tasted NYC's trash revolution want their street bins back
By
Liam Quigley
Never miss a story
Catch up on the most important headlines with a roundup of essential NYC stories, delivered to your inbox daily.
Sign upEmail address
By submitting your information, you're agreeing to receive communications from New York Public Radio in accordance with our Terms .