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Oh Good, Giuliani Is Making Sounds With His Mouthhole About De Blasio
By
John Del Signore
Published Oct 2, 2013
Modified Oct 2, 2013
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By
John Del Signore
Published Oct 2, 2013
Modified Oct 2, 2013
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Oyez oyez oyez, the right honorable Mayor of Nineleven Town hereby calls this trolling session to order! ALL RISE to bask in the radiant opinions of His Trolliness Rudolph William Louis "Rudy" Giuliani, who today graces the benighted masses with his Dread Vision of a Once Great City reduced to Violent Ruin by a Feckless Ruler. Oh Great & Powerful Oracle, only you can save us from the rough beast de Blasio slouching toward City Hall to be born!
"I mean, this guy’s been arrested a number of times," the Sacred Oracle, concealing himself in human form as Rudy Giuliani, warned today. "Most of it shows an anti-establishment attitude, which means anti-police. This is a tough guy for the cops to say, ‘This guy’s got our back.'"
Now close thine eyes and count backwards from ten. Ye are getting very sleepy and forgetting that the New York Police Chief's Benevolent Association (CBA) endorsed Bill de Blasio for mayor yesterday, citing "his commitment to public safety and plan to bring police and communities together." Let the Benevolent Rudy stroke your hair as you forget all about CBA President Chief Eugene Tumolo saying, "Members of the CBA have worked together with Bill de Blasio for many years, we know he is dedicated to the safety of all the people living and working in New York City."
Giuliani, who 9/11 9/11 and 9/11 in order to 9/11, doubles over suddenly, seized with a terrifying glimpse of an anarchistic future in which a castrated police force is helpless to stop gangs of marauding violent maniacs from tearing through New York City's streets. "The only hope we have is that de Blasio’s just saying these things to get elected and he’ll change if he should win," Giuliani muttered through lips grown suddenly ashen white with fear. "Or the other hope we have is the city will vote for Joe Lhota."
SILENCE YOUR LAUGHTER JOE LHOTA IS YOUR ONLY HOPE, YE FOOLES! A vote for de Blasio is a vote for turning New York into Chicago, which, as His Nine-Elevenness explains, "is not proactive policing and then you end up with three and-a-half times the murder rate." Proactive policing gets results—if you lived in New York City during the utopian golden age of Rudy Giuliani, you know all about that.
Tagged
bill de blasio
rudy giuliani
shut up
John Del Signore
Originally from the Albany area, John Del Signore has called NYC home since 1995. In addition to his thousands of meticulously-crafted bespoke blog posts for Gothamist, his writing has also been published in The Awl, Deadspin, The Nervous Breakdown, and performed at The Brick Theater in Brooklyn.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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