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NY Post Just Publishing NYPD Fan Fic Now
By
Christopher Robbins
Published Aug 27, 2013
Modified Aug 27, 2013
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courtesy Shahar Azran Photography / Apollo Theater
By
Christopher Robbins
Published Aug 27, 2013
Modified Aug 27, 2013
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The New York Post has been a reliable automaton for propaganda and unchallenged misinformation regarding the federal stop-and-frisk ruling and City Council's recent NYPD oversight legislation. But today's story takes a turn for the surreal, featuring allegedly armed criminals "taunting" the NYPD about the federal ruling, one of whom cartoonishly "trips" and reveals his .38 caliber handgun after shouting "You can't stop me! There are new rules!"
The details of these encounters are courtesy of a battery of unnamed NYPD "sources." What's funny is that the stops detailed in the piece are lawful exercises of police power utilizing reasonable suspicion—suspects matching given descriptions or casing a potential robbery victim—precisely what the federal judge explicitly allows for in her opinion.
But isn't it more fun to dream?
"The Supreme Court has invalidated the ruling of a federal judge who determined that the NYPD's application of stop-and-frisk practices were unconstitutional. In a scintillating 5-4 opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who initiated a rare breach of decorum when he victoriously chest-bumped Chief Justice John Roberts shortly before reading the—"
Kelly muted the squawking voice on the plasma TV. There was no time to drink in victory when he had a city to protect. A sharp rap at the door startled him.
"Come in!"
A bespectacled head peeked in through the crack of the door, which was made of a secret blend of titanium and mahogany. It was strong enough to stop an RPG, and one of those giant Tremor worms that Intel was always nagging him about.
"Sorry to disturb you Commissioner, but the NYCLU is here."
"What do they want?" Kelly had loosened his tie and unbuttoned the cuffs of his neatly starched dress shirt so he could have a full range of motion while curling s 65 lb dumbbell. Might as well get some reps in while I'm flappin my gums, he thought.
"Sir, they want to apologize for their behavior over the past few years. They also want to give you a foot rub."
"A foot rub?"
"You know, the washing of the feet and all that. It's an ancient sign for respect, sir."
Kelly laughed and stared down at his faded Johnston & Murphys. It sure had been a long while since the dogs had some good R&R. He was just too damn busy.
"Tell them no thank you, and I appreciate it. But they can make a donation to the New York City Police Foundation if they'd like."
"Very good, Commissioner."
Almost immediately after the door shut Kelly's red iPad began ringing.
Based on the specially designated ringtone, an exceedingly rare live rendition of Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold," the commissioner knew it could be serious. He put his dumbbell down and swiped the fingerprint-encrypted screen. The face of his chief of the Intelligence Division, former top operations officer for the CIA, David Cohen, appeared. Cohen looked flustered.
"Commissioner sorry to bother you, but I have an urgent update from our Demographics—er, I mean, Zone Assessment Unit, regarding a Pakistani-owned bakery in Bay Ridge."
"Go on."
"Well, it seems that approximately 10 minutes ago, a man exiting the bakery exclaimed "Oh, Obamaaaa!" and shook his head repeatedly."
"Hmm. Anything else?"
"Well, he could have been saying, "Oh, ma maaaaa" because he was eating a particularly delicious pastry at the time. We're still determining the threat."
"Very good. Keep me posted."
The screen went blank and Kelly was again alone with his thoughts, but not for long.
Kelly's iPad shook again, this time with Molly Hatchet's "Flirtin' With Disaster." Kelly swiped and saw the face of his second-in-command, Chief of Department Philip Banks.
"Commissioner, you won't believe this. We just caught that judge, the stop and frisk judge, stealing cupcakes from an orphanage for the blind!"
"You mean Our Lady Of Sorrows & Eye Patches?"
"Yes sir, that very one. Should we throw her in a van, or give her a proper perp walk to the precinct?"
Kelly thought a moment, cleared his throat, and blew his nose into a stack of FOIL requests.
"Make her walk but I don't want her in handcuffs. She needs to see how easy it can be to make 'furtive movements.' "
The two laughed, and the screen again went black. Kelly's smile stiffened into a straight line. It was time for some upside-down situps.
Tagged
Community safety act
NYPD fan fiction
propaganda
Ray Kelly
stop and frisk
stop-and-frisk trial
original
Christopher Robbins
Christopher Robbins is a New York City reporter covering transportation, affordable housing, local politics, and criminal justice. His work has also appeared in New York Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times. Chris is a graduate of Patrick Henry High School in Roanoke, Virginia, and enjoys biking to Fort Tilden in the summertime.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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