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7-Eleven Giving Away Free Slurpees, All They Want In Return Is NYC's Soul
By
Christopher Robbins
Published Jul 11, 2013
Modified Jul 11, 2013
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By
Christopher Robbins
Published Jul 11, 2013
Modified Jul 11, 2013
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You look hot. You're all sticky bangs and headphone cords. Come in and have a free Slurpee on me. It's my birthday! Haha no shhhhh don't sing, here I'll get the door for you. Our most popular Slurpee flavor is Coca-Cola, but I'm partial to Banana myself. Hey! Put your wallet away, I told you it was free—double the size of our usual birthday Slurpee too. The only thing I need from you is a single sip so the covenant is sealed.
"Plantation system?" Aggressive expansion? "Pringle-izing?" Let me guess: the people who said those things don't have 15 different flavors of Orbit, or competitively priced phone cards, or Snickers bars peering up at you next to the bottled water like chilly puppies waiting for their best friend to show up and adopt them.
Speaking of chilly dogs, chili dogs!
Oh, your dimples! You may need some Burt's Bees to keep them perky—they're right next to the tubes of cheddar-injected beef jerky and the Blu-Ray of Fast Five. I doubt that bodega next to your apartment sells quality skin products. The one with the fifteen broken hookah tubes in the window crammed next to a faded advertisement for hot wings. Do they even sell hot wings? Ah, right. But we do.
Besides, that place is filthy. How old are those condoms anyway—it's spelled with an "e" on the box! I don't need cats to keep rodents out, I have a 15-point inspection method. No credit card minimum either. Who ever heard of turning away money? I would never, ever refuse your money. Ever.
It won't hurt. The Ancient Ones were very clear about that. Keep living your life, you won't really notice anything. That store will turn into a nail salon which will turn into a tapas place, which will turn into a thai tapas place, which will eventually turn into a 7-Eleven. What did E.B. White say about New York? Changeless change? That's right.
Changeless change, and cash back on debit card purchases (limit: $10).
Enjoy your Slurpee.
7-Eleven Day 2013 from MagicBullet Media, Inc. on Vimeo.
Tagged
7-11
7 eleven
free slurpee
satan
original
Christopher Robbins
Christopher Robbins is a New York City reporter covering transportation, affordable housing, local politics, and criminal justice. His work has also appeared in New York Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times. Chris is a graduate of Patrick Henry High School in Roanoke, Virginia, and enjoys biking to Fort Tilden in the summertime.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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