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NY Times' "How I Became A Hipster" Story Key Evidence At Intergalactic Tribunal Condemning Mankind
By
Christopher Robbins
Published May 2, 2013
Modified Feb 12, 2016
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By
Christopher Robbins
Published May 2, 2013
Modified Feb 12, 2016
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Tired of Mankind's relentless, trolling attempts at hipster criticism, the Galaxy has taken Justice into its own hands by abducting one Brooklynite and trying him for our Journalistic sins.
Phil: [Groans] Where am I?
Alien Prosecutor 1: Phillip J. Anderson, you stand accused of crimes against the Universe committed on behalf of Mankind.
Phil: What?
Alien Judge: Young man you were chosen at random to represent the human race in this Intergalactic Tribunal.
Alien Prosecutor 2: Humans have poisoned this cosmos and the rest of the firmament demands justice. Also, you shouldn't have been inhaling noxious powders in The Gutter's bathroom like that.
Phil: You're blaming humanity's problems on one man?! That's like—
Alien Prosecutor 1: Blaming the insufferableness of an entire culture on one borough? Yes, Mr. Anderson we'll get to that shortly. I'd like to begin today's proceedings by noting that all previous atrocities and crimes against Nature committed by Mankind have already been entered into the record.
Alien Judge: So noted. [Eyelids swivel inside-out, authoritatively]
Alien Prosecutor 1: The Galaxy would like to enter into the record Exhibit 2333323, "How I Became a Hipster," a 2,000-word article in the prominent human periodical, The New York Times.
Alien Prosecutor 2: The article also includes an eight-photo slideshow, including one image of the author in Williamsburg receiving a straight-razor shave.
[Murmurs swell the courtroom, two aliens faint in the galley]
Alien Judge: [Bangs space gavel] Silence!
Alien Prosecutor 1: Mr. Anderson, are you aware that the author of this article uses the phrases, "Awk," "Ridic," and "Obvi?"
Phil: No, I mean, I haven't even read the thing.
Alien Prosecutor 1: Allow me to recite a portion of the text into the record: "It’s been strange to live across the river from a place that suddenly becomes a cultural reference point—not unlike having your dachshund become an overnight celebrity. Part of you wonders, Why him and not Aunt Barbara?"
Alien Prosecutor 2: Mr. Anderson can you explain to the Galaxy what these series of words mean? Or why they would be considered humorous, or suitable for publication?
Phil: I guess his point is that it's weird when something suddenly becomes popular, and…actually, no, I don't know what the hell he's talking about. Who is Aunt Barbara?
Alien Prosecutor 1: And can you explain the derisive tone against "affinity marketers" and "sustainability consultants" that runs throughout the piece? The rest of the Galaxy recognized the importance of sustainability long ago, which is why our planets—unlike yours—are not in a constant state of decay.
Alien Prosecutor 2: Entire races of lifeforms have made affinity marketing a noble way of life! The Chulumons of Nordrax have shown that targeted branding can enhance the lifestyles of every caste.
Chulumon Spectator: [Incomprehensible moaning]
Alien Judge: Please be still! There will be plenty of time later for the All-Penetrating Gauntlet of Woe.
Chulumon Spectator: [Placated moaning]
Alien Prosecutor 2: Why does the author treat the denizens of Brooklyn in such a foul manner? Teasing them about abattoir availability and mockingly peddling his ironic books to earnest clerks. In the rest of the Galaxy, when this is done it must actually produce mirth. Otherwise it strikes the reader as a sad, late, clichéd attempted at mean-spirited humor, even if the author fabricated these accounts. Indeed, the haberdasher, the barber, and the other souls featured in his article showed him no malice.
Phil: I don't know! You'd have to ask him.
Alien Prosecutor 1: Very well then. But this man, this writer, he also describes Roberta's as a "gulag in da hood."
Alien Prosecutor 2: I've eaten there your Honor, and it is actually pretty good.
Alien Judge: Indeed, I never forego their sweetbreads.
Phil: Alright! It's an abomination, I confess! Please just get this over with!
Alien Judge: Very well. Start off by burning him in a pile of Styles Sections.
Alien Prosecutor 1: Let's Vine it!
Chulumon Spectator: [Aroused moaning]
Tagged
alien justice
hipsters
new york times
styles section
original
Christopher Robbins
Christopher Robbins is a New York City reporter covering transportation, affordable housing, local politics, and criminal justice. His work has also appeared in New York Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times. Chris is a graduate of Patrick Henry High School in Roanoke, Virginia, and enjoys biking to Fort Tilden in the summertime.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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