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<em>Game Of Thrones</em> Power Rankings: Valar Dohaeris
By
Ben Yakas
Published Mar 31, 2013
Modified Apr 3, 2013
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By
Ben Yakas
Published Mar 31, 2013
Modified Apr 3, 2013
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After all the gif recaps and the passionate interviews, Game Of Thrones is back! In tonight's season premiere, we learned not to stare at giants too long, we met the much-talked-about Mance Rayder, and we discovered that scorpions can have human faces. Since the show is all about how people jockey for power, we've decided to follow along this season with our Game of Thrones Power Rankings—aka, who is owning this week.
Game Of Thrones Power Rankings, Week 1:
1. Tywin Lannister: The new Hand of the King has seven kingdoms to keep track of, but he can always find time to be a mean old bastard to Tyrion. "To teach me humility, the gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about wearing that proud Lion, which was my father's sigil and his father's sigil before that. But neither gods nor men will ever compel me to turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse."
2. King Joffrey "The Worst" Baratheon: Clearly terrified and intrigued by his future wife, Margaery Tyrell. He's very powerful, but he's definitely the worst.
3. Robb Stark: The King in the North is dealing with his mommy issues, but he's happily married and successfully leading his army. If only he could fight someone...
4. Daenerys Targaryen: Her dragons are big enough now that they're eating giant fish, she survived an assassination attempt, and she's shopping for an army (The Unsullied), which is something you can just do, it seems. She's not very happy about this whole slavery thing, but she does have DRAGONS, so who cares. Dragons are cool.
5. Mance Rayder: The leader of the Wildings made his debut by gossiping about girls with Jon Snow. He's obviously very powerful, but the fact he seems to trust Jon Snow doesn't reflect very well on him.
6. Margaery Tyrell: She's not scared of getting her blue dress ruined ("I have others"), she's into charity work, and she looks amazing no matter what she does. She's like a less prissy Kate Middleton for Westeros. Cersei should be nervous.
7. Cersei Lannister: With Tywin Lannister back in King's Landing and Margaery Tyrell angling for control of petulant, miserable Joffrey, Cersei doesn't have quite the same amount of oomph as she used to. But on the plus side, she can still make her little brother feel like shit!
8. Ser Bronn of the Blackwater: He's become a knight of the realm, got a pay raise from Tyrion, and best of all, had the first sex scene of the new season. Things are looking good for this sellsword.
9. Jon Snow: The Wildings are impressed he killed Quorin Halfhand, so he's got a bit of an edge to him right now. And no one told him he knows nothing this week! But is it so hard to maybe smile once in a while?
10. Stannis Baratheon: He's still the Lord of Light's special chosen one or whatever, but he definitely isn't getting laid, and it's showing.
11. Tyrion Lannister: Has lost a considerable amount of power since the battle of Blackwater, and is considerably glum about his facial scars and the fact his father doesn't love him (and his sister tried to kill him). At least he didn't lose his nose (or his wits).
12. Catelyn Stark: Well, she's locked up in a cell in Harrenhal because of her stupid decision to send Jamie Lannister with Brienne of Tarth to King's Landing. But she's still the mother of the King in the North.
13. Sansa Stark: She's vulnerable now that she's not betrothed to Joffrey, she has Littlefinger ogling her, and her only friend (handmaiden/Tyrion's lover) Shae refuses to play games with her. But um...at least no one has raped her yet!
14. Jorah Mormont: Smells like piss, according to the Unsullied master. Also, got kind of shown up by Ser Barristan Selmy.
15. Davos Seaworth: He survived the battle of Blackwater! But he's still stupidly loyal to humorless Stannis Baratheon, who is all about Melisandre. After calling her his "enemy" in front of Stannis, he traded being shipwrecked for a dungeon.
The Viserys Targeryen Memorial Least Powerful Person Of The Week Award:
Samwell Tarly: Well, he didn't die when he came face-to-face with a White Walker, so, that's a start. Then again, he didn't send the ravens, and that was his ONLY job.
Not Applicable: We didn't have any time to catch up with Arya Stark, Bran Stark, Hodor, Jamie Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Varys, The Hound, and Theon Greyjoy. But don't worry, because many of them and lots of new characters will be appearing next week. Until then, here's the theme song the way we always hear it.
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Ben Yakas
Ben Yakas is a former Gothamist reporter.
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