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New Greek "Brogurt" Makes You Strong, Improves "Sperm Quality"
By
Christopher Robbins
Published Feb 25, 2013
Modified Feb 25, 2013
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By
Christopher Robbins
Published Feb 25, 2013
Modified Feb 25, 2013
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According to Powerful Yogurt's Facebook page, "Men Need Yogurt Too!!!...Yogurt delivers protein, digestion helping bacteria and calcium...From the time of the Greeks, Abs have represented dedication, strength, power, and success."
INSIDE THE LOCKER ROOM OF THE CRUNCH FITNESS ON MOUNT OLYMPUS
Apollo: Ares, I am deeply vexed.
Ares: After we shower, we'll smite that fool Hades for not wiping down the elliptical. Have you noticed his sweat smells like garlic? Or those weird little chives that—
Apollo: No, not that Ares. This goddess I am courting, Kyyndra, she will not accept any of my hecatombs. I bent sunbeams and played the light like a lute, and she yawned. I emptied mountain streams onto placid glaciers to create verse and she rolled her eyes at my poetry. I even watched that dumb TV show with her that everyone else is seeing—My Strange Greek Compulsion—and still she refuses to cast her glance at me for longer than a moment! What am I to do?
Ares: Well, you have been hitting those Nymph Scout cookies pretty hard. And your abdominal muscles are those of a minor God.
Apollo: Well I'm not going back on that "raw diet," I nearly sliced my fingers off with that emulsion blender making olive juice.
[Hephaestus, manly god of Blacksmith Historical Reenactors, strolls into the locker room, his muscles rippling like the sharpest of Ruffles potato chips]
Apollo: Zounds! Have you been following all of those valuable tips in Esquire? What's your secret?
Hephaestus: Oh, I'm doing more reps with tentacled sea monsters, I've been flying against the Harpies for an hour every other day. And I've started eating this new, manly Greek yogurt.
Ares: Manly Greek yogurt?
[Achilles walks into locker room talking on a cellphone]
Achilles: [Into phone] Well you just tell Brangelina that I'm not siring a goddamn thing for less than 28%, or both of their souls in the afterlife.
Ares: What the hell are you doing here? This gym is Gods Only!
Achilles: I got one of those free trial cards in the mail.
Hephaestus: Look, I don't want to oversell it, but this Powerful Yogurt is great. It has ample protein for muscle-building, it improves my digestion, and calcium in yogurt also helps burn fat. It even helps my fertility by improving the quality of my sperm.
Apollo: Wait, don't you mean increase your sperm count? How can it affect the quality—
Hephaestus: No no, I mean quality, as is stipulated on the yogurt company's website.
Achilles: But how can one be more fertile than a god? You practically impregnate every woman you look at.
[Hephaestus glares intently at Achilles' stomach, until it gently stirs with life]
All: Cooooooooool!
*Applause*
Apollo: So can this stuff work for me, Hephaestus? I've tried everything already.
Hephaestus: Maybe? Who knows. I found a case next to this package for a National Margarita Day press kit. Maybe just eat less crap and exercise more?
Zeus: Or stop being such little sylphs! [Snaps asses of gods with wet towel]
Hephaestus: DAMMIT ZEUS I just got my man bun the way I like it!
[h/t Grub Street]
Tagged
dudes
god bros
greek yogurt
PR scams
original
Christopher Robbins
Christopher Robbins is a New York City reporter covering transportation, affordable housing, local politics, and criminal justice. His work has also appeared in New York Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times. Chris is a graduate of Patrick Henry High School in Roanoke, Virginia, and enjoys biking to Fort Tilden in the summertime.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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