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Needs More Marimba: Other Plays In Need Of A Good Ringtone

By

Garth Johnston

Published Mar 23, 2012

Modified Apr 16, 2012

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By

Garth Johnston

Published Mar 23, 2012

Modified Apr 16, 2012

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Last night some brilliant theatergoer decided to go and "correct" Arthur Miller's classic drama Death of a Salesman by adding a little digital oomph to Alex North's original 1949 music. It was a pretty magical moment, and everyone left the theater shocked that director Mike Nichols hadn't thought to add that touch himself (or had he?). It also got us thinking. There are a lot of other pieces of theater that really need to get with the times...

These shows, for instance, might really gain from a little of what the iPhone's got to give:

• The Glass MenagerieThe gentleman caller gone, Tom is on the fire escape giving his final monologue. "For nowadays the world is lit by light. Blow out your" — a Mexican Hat Dance starts playing — "Laura." (And maybe foreshadow it with a little beeping alarm action RIGHT after the Gentleman caller breaks the glass unicorn?)
• CarouselMidway through his Soliloquy in the first act Billy suddenly comes to a shocking realization. "Wait a minute! / Could it be? /What the hell! /What if he is a girl? / What would I do with her? / What could I do for her? /A bum with no money! /You can have fun with a son / But you gotta" — Rihanna's Rude Boy starts playing — "be a father to a girl."
• Who's Afraid Of Virginia WoolfAfter a night of drinking, screaming and torturing, a calmer George and Martha make a shocking announcement. "Our son is" — Ring-a-ling-a-ling — "dead."
• A Little Night MusicAfter an absurd weekend in the country Desiree has finally gotten what she wanted and sings to her once and future lover. "Don't you love farce? / My fault I fear. / I thought that you'd want what I want. / Sorry, my dear." — Marimba! — "But where are the clowns?"
• Little Shop of HorrorsSeymour and the rest have been devoured by the plants. Crystal, Ronette and Chiffon come out and warn us that "Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed, / Unsuspecting jerks from Maine to California" — Old Phone ring starts going, the plant suddenly looks out to the audience, reaches out a tentacle to the offending phone owner, picks him and and tosses him/her into its gullet — "Made the acquaintance of a new breed of flytrap / And got sweet-talked into feeding it blood."
• GatzAs a transcendent, six hour long adaptation of The Great Gatsby reaches its literary/theatrical climax, and the final lines of F. Scott Fitzgerald's masterpiece are uttered by an indefatigable Scott Shepherd, alone on an effulgent stage. "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne" — Justin Beiber's Baby kicks in mid chorus — "back ceaselessly into the past."

We kid, we kid — well, except for the Little Shop one, actually. Because what we really wish more actors would do (which Linda Emond understandably did not do last night) is simply stop the show and publicly shame people who can't control their toys. Like what happened at the New York Philharmonic in January. Not to mention the time Patti LuPone stopped a performance of Gypsy in 2010 when somebody took photos. Don't remember that last one? Here take a moment and relive the glory:

Also, it makes a fun parlor game: What famous moments in theater would you like to see tweaked with a cellphone? And no, a ring interrupting Stanley screaming "Stella" in Streetcar doesn't work—any Stanley worth his weight should be able to overpower even the loudest cellphone ring. It needs to be a delicate, fragile moment, like, you know, THE FREAKING LAST MONOLOGUE OF DEATH OF A SALESMAN!

Tagged

cellphone ettiquite

cellphones

jerks

ringtones

theater

Garth Johnston

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