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Squirrel-Eating Tabloid Host Mike Huckabee Will Sit Out 2012
By
Christopher Robbins
Published May 15, 2011
Modified May 15, 2011
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By
Christopher Robbins
Published May 15, 2011
Modified May 15, 2011
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If you woke up this morning with a vague sense of emptiness, as if the air tasted a little less sweet, and your slippers were just not as soft as they used to be, the reason is probably that former governor and current bass guitar melter-of-faces Mike Huckabee will not be running for president.
According to the Washington Post, in a sentence that we in no way fabricated for comedic effect, "the announcement…was preceded by an appearance by Mario Lopez—of "Saved by the Bell" fame—as well as musician Ted Nugent." In the end, Huckabee said "all the factors say go, but my heart says no," and when you have a heart full of squirrel flesh, it acts as a sort of truth serum. This makes his pro bono appearances for Fox News all the more laudable.
Sure, the fact that Huckabee isn't running should be a boon for all the potential Republican candidates, who rushed to make statements "congratulating" Huckabee on his decision. But who ARE these candidates? Missile-loving mustache John Bolton, screeching creepy-stare-guru Michele Bachmann, Yawn-Machine Tim Pawlenty, Obama's "BFF" Jon Huntsman, Mormon Milquetoast Robot Mitt Romney, and…Sarah Palin! (We told our AA sponsor that we wouldn't be typing the name that rhymes with "modeled rump" for awhile and we're sticking to it).
You can listen to Huck explain the decision below, but you'll have to supply your own box of tissues.
Tagged
2012
donald trump
John Bolton
jon huntsman
michele bachmann
mike huckabee
mitt romney
obama
President off Losing to Obama
Christopher Robbins
Christopher Robbins is a New York City reporter covering transportation, affordable housing, local politics, and criminal justice. His work has also appeared in New York Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times. Chris is a graduate of Patrick Henry High School in Roanoke, Virginia, and enjoys biking to Fort Tilden in the summertime.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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