Gothamist
A non-profit newsroom, powered by WNYC.
Gothamist
Listen Live
Food
The Lost/Rejected Four Loko "Goverment-Approved" Label
By
Ben Yakas
Published Jan 21, 2011
Modified Jan 21, 2011
Share
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail
Never miss a story
Email address
By submitting your information, you're agreeing to receive communications from New York Public Radio in accordance with our Terms .
By
Ben Yakas
Published Jan 21, 2011
Modified Jan 21, 2011
Share
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail
We rely on your support to make local news available to all
Make your contribution now and help Gothamist thrive in 2026. Donate today
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
When the FDA first threatened to ban (then neuter) beloved alco-caffeinated-sugarcrap drink Four Loko, we wondered why there couldn't have been some reasonable discussion, some compromise on the matter. Why can't we have nice things? Well, comic Bob Odenkirk, who has a pass-for-life for Mr. Show, revealed on Vice that the FDA did offer a compromise to the makers of Loko: a soberly-written warning that they could choose to put on each can if they wanted to continue selling the frothy blackout beverage. Below, you can read the full transcript of that "government-approved" warning, and wonder what could have been:
WARNING: THE INGREDIENTS OF THIS DRINK HAVE BEEN FOUND TO CAUSE MEN AND WOMEN TO BECOME HUGE ASSHOLES. IN LABORATORY AND NON-LABORATORY TESTS, THE COMBINATION OF ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE, TAURINE, AND GUARANA, COMBINED WITH THE STUNTED INTELLECT OF THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS TO DRINK SOMETHING THAT TASTES THIS SHITTY OUT OF SUCH A GARISH, DIPSHIT-LOOKING CAN AS THIS, HAVE BEEN PROVEN TO EXACERBATE AND ENLARGE THE ASSHOLE-RELATED BEHAVIORS OF THE DRINKER. ASSHOLE BEHAVIOR CAN BE DESCRIBED AS: BEING LOUD AND LOUTISH, GRABBING WOMEN, PUNCHING YOUR FRIENDS IN THE DICK AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT, WANTING TO DRIVE WHEN YOU CLEARLY SHOULDN'T DRIVE, THROWING SHIT IN THE STREET, LAUGHING IN-BETWEEN VOMIT SPEWS, JOINING A FRATERNITY, BEING IN A FRATERNITY, SLEDDING AFTER MIDNIGHT, PUNCHING A BRICK WALL, STARING AT THE BOUNCER MENACINGLY, PISSING AROUND THE TOILET, DRINKING MORE OF THIS SHITYY BEVERAGE, LAUGHING LOUDLY AT UNFUNNY THINGS, WANTING TO PLAY GUITAR-HERO AND THEN GETTING MAD AT GUITAR-HERO, PAYING HOMELESS PEOPLE TO DANCE, THROWING SHIT OUT OF DORM WINDOWS, PISSING WHEREVER YOU HAPPEN TO BE STANDING, WATCHING DAVID HASSELHOFF'S DRUNK "BURGER" VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT, LAUGHING AT UNFUNNY THINGS, PLAYING "PRANKS," CONSIDERING GETTING A TATTOO OF BAM MARGERA, GETTING A TATTOO OF BAM MARGERA, KNOWING WHO BAM MARGERA IS, DRINKING EVEN MORE OF THIS SHITTY-ASS-GRIMY-TASTING SEWER-WATER, CONSIDERING JOINING A RUGBY TEAM, ETC. IN LABORATORY TESTS, MICE WHO WERE FED THIS DRINK BECAME LITTLE MOUSE ASSHOLES. THEY PUSHED OTHER MICE OFF THE RUNNING WHEEL AND LAUGHED MOUSE-LAUGHS, THEN VOMITED AND STARTED LITTLE MOUSE-FRATERNITIES. PREGNANT WOMEN WHO DRINK THIS MAY ALSO HAVE A MARKED INCREASE IN THE PROBABILITY OF HAVING A LITTLE ASSHOLE BABY, ALTHOUGH TESTS HAVE NOT ASCERTAINED WHETHER THIS IS DUE TO THE ASSHOLE QUALITIES OF THE DRINK OR THE ASSHOLES WHO PROBABLY GOT THE WOMAN PREGNANT. COULD BE BOTH. SIMPLY PUT, WHETHER YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE WHEN YOU BEGIN DRINKING THIS OR SIMPLY A DOUCHE-BAG, IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH OF IT, YOU WILL DEFINITELY QUALIFY AS A HUGE ASSHOLE.
Tagged
bob odenkirk
four loko
warning label
Ben Yakas
Ben Yakas is a former Gothamist reporter.
Read more
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
MORE food
North African restaurants are rare in NYC. These 10 are the best.
Egyptian, Moroccan, Algerian and Tunisian food is delicious but underrepresented in the city.
By
Robert Sietsema
Published Oct 10, 2026
10 dishes that demonstrate the delicious diversity of curry in New York City
The global dish is shapeshifting and ubiquitous.
By
Robert Sietsema
Food
10 dishes that demonstrate the delicious diversity of curry in New York City
The global dish is shapeshifting and ubiquitous.
By
Robert Sietsema
Frozen yogurt is back in New York City. So are the super long lines.
By
Sonia Rao
5 NYC banana puddings as good as Magnolia's
By
Hannah Frishberg
Where to eat in Greenpoint, Brooklyn right now, from Polish to Sichuan to Iberian
By
Robert Sietsema
Never miss a story
Catch up on the most important headlines with a roundup of essential NYC stories, delivered to your inbox daily.
Sign upEmail address
By submitting your information, you're agreeing to receive communications from New York Public Radio in accordance with our Terms .