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Glenn Beck: Sell Your Organs to See Spider-Man Musical

John Del Signore

Published Jan 12, 2011

Modified Jan 12, 2011

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John Del Signore

Published Jan 12, 2011

Modified Jan 12, 2011

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The latest critic to break the traditional embargo and review Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark before opening night isn't actually a theater critic, but more of a critic of rational thought and intellectual integrity. On Saturday, right wing demagogue du jour Glenn Beck saw the big-budget, high-tech rock musical—which we delicately likened to watching a spandex clad fat man with a flesh-hook suspension fetish masturbate onto a giant pile of money, while singing Muzak versions of all your least favorite U2 songs—and LOVED it. Here's his rave review, which he shared with his millions of radio listeners today:

This is better than Wicked! After you couldn’t get a ticket to ‘Spider-Man’ and you’ve offered a kidney for it, go see Wicked. I mean, you’ve got two kidneys. Don’t give both kidneys up — go see Wicked before you give both kidneys. But give a kidney to go see ‘Spider-Man.’ I’m telling you, mark my words, it’s being panned right now, nobody’s saying good stuff about it. I’m telling you, you go buy your ticket — you buy your ticket now, if you’re thinking about coming to New York, because when this thing opens and it’s starting to run, you will not be able to get tickets to this for a year.

This is one of those shows, this is the ‘Phantom’ of the 21st century. This is history of Broadway being made. I sat next to the casting director, by chance, and I said, ‘You, sir, are part of history.

It's just an audio recording, but at that point you can almost hear Beck's teardrops landing on his wingtips. But wait—better than Wicked?! Now we know Glenn Beck's crazy because that is impossible. (Better than Jersey Boys, MAYBE.) Or could he secretly be one of the musical's producers, looking to cash in from his own endorsement, like he's been known to do with companies like Goldline? In one of the most deliciously dry sentences we've seen in the NY Times lately, Patrick Healy ends his first paragraph by noting: "A spokesman for ‘Spider-Man’ said on Wednesday that Mr. Beck was not an investor in the show."

But how can the other critics who've already panned the show (which is still in previews) be so wrong? "One reason ‘Spider-Man’ is being panned," Beck explained, assuming a French accent to imitate a theater critic, " 'Well, it’s not, well this isn’t theater! It’s music by Bono! Who is Bono? Of course he does a lot of charity which I like, I think he was down in Haiti, but he’s still rock!' " And you know how those snooty critics HATE rock musicals! Look how they tore apart Passing Strange, and Hair, and Jesus Christ Superstar! Okay, sarcasm aside, the NY Times' critic actually did hate the original Broadway production of Jesus Christ Superstar. And isn't that interesting?

For old time's sake, here's The Daily Show's riff on Beck's shady Goldline endorsements:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10cBeck - Not So Mellow Goldwww.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a>The Daily Show on Facebook

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broadway

critics

glenn beck

spider man musical

spider man turn off the dark

John Del Signore

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Originally from the Albany area, John Del Signore has called NYC home since 1995. In addition to his thousands of meticulously-crafted bespoke blog posts for Gothamist, his writing has also been published in The Awl, Deadspin, The Nervous Breakdown, and performed at The Brick Theater in Brooklyn.

Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations

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