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Four Loko Ban Goes Into Effect In Two Weeks!
By
Ben Yakas
Published Nov 26, 2010
Modified Nov 26, 2010
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By
Ben Yakas
Published Nov 26, 2010
Modified Nov 26, 2010
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We've been spiraling deeper and deeper into a depression ever since the FDA demanded that Four Loko cut off its nose to spite its face by removing all the caffeine from its deliciously disgusting jolly rancher by-way-of urine brew. Some store owners have said that they have been stocking up on the beverage, and plan on selling out their remaining cans after the ban in two weeks, provided that they received the shipment beforehand. But according to the News, the FDA now says that the drink should be "completely removed" from store shelves by Dec. 13.
There are dark times ahead indeed, and we don't mean the warm, fuzzy kind of dark times we've had after drinking a can or two of our beloved Four Loko. At this point we've tried everything: protesting the ban, scouring the city for any last cans, holding vigils, and even learning to make our own bootleg Loko. But this is what it feels like in our hearts currently:
If only there were a song to unite us...preferably one sung by a dude on acoustic guitar...with a voice that sounds like Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day...
Oh, we know we'll survive this, just as we survived the ban on Sparks lo those many years ago. But what kind of life would we be living if we weren't able to "get really drunk and put shampoo, dish soap, and water down on a laminate floor and skateboard on it [and] kick the skateboard at one another and use it as a slip and slide," ever again? That is truly no life, sir.
Tagged
alcohol
ban
caffeine
fds
four loko
Ben Yakas
Ben Yakas is a former Gothamist reporter.
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Gothamist is funded by sponsors and member donations
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